BILL: You're right. I can't believe the filth they're putting on TV these days. And they beam it right into my home. I hit the pay-per-view button, and there it is, right in front of me.
Quotes from "The Witches of East Arlen"
Written by Sivert Glarum & Michael Jamin
Directed by Matt Engstrom
DOOLEY: I'm in a dance number.
HANK: If you ask me, there might be a silver lining to him not being a dancing cowboy.
BOBBY: Hey, what are those?
MAN: Those are tarot cards. People use them to tell the future.
BOBBY: They're like baseball cards for Hobbits!
HANK: Dammit, Dale, I told you to stop painting your house number on my curb.
DALE: Sorry, Hank, but I gotta lay low for a while. You have no idea how far the jackals at the Franklin Mint will go to collect a debt.
HANK: See, Bobby? I knew you'd find your thing. And doesn't that sound like more fun than being in a musical about Oklahoma?
BOBBY: This looks like something out of Harry Potter.
WARD RACKLEY: Dude, I just vouched for you.
BOBBY: Uh... if Harry Potter went to hell.
WARD RACKLEY: This, Bobby, is nutmeg. And we use this spice for...
BOBBY: Oh, I remember... give me a second... invincibility.
WARD RACKLEY: Resplendent! The spices sit easily upon you.
SPICE STORE GUY: Oh, you boys are making a cake?
WARD RACKLEY: A cake?
BOBBY: Yeah -- a cake of tremendous power!
WARD RACKLEY: Score one for the acolyte!
(Hank notices the price sticker on Bobby's "Magick" book)
HANK: Forty-five dollars!? The family Bible cost less than that, and it was written by Jesus!
WARD RACKLEY: Our kind have always been persecuted by those who understand not. From the Salem witch trials of the 1600s to the locker-room beatings and swirlies of today. 'Tis all one.
PEGGY: Hank, I may be a mother, but I am still a woman, and I know a girl repellent when I see it. I want grandchildren! Will you fix this?
HANK: You're Ward Rackley?
WARD RACKLEY: It's one of my many monikers, yes. I am also known as Manolgar of the North Woods, and in certain circles, Austin Aussman Straklabartar.
HANK: How old are you? 30? 40?
WARD RACKLEY: Not even close. I am 5000.
HANK: Don't you have any friends your own age? Someone to drink with? Maybe a girlfriend?
WARD RACKLEY: And waste my seed on a common harlot? Not likely. When the time is right, a maiden will be delivered up to me. Probably from the East.
HANK: Some of this isn't your fault. I mean, a man can only take so many wedgies before he goes to pieces.
HANK: This is a carburetor. Take it apart. Put it back together. Repeat until you're normal.
BOBBY: But Dad, the dark arts are nothing to be afraid of.
HANK: I'm not afraid of that garbage. I'm afraid of you getting your ass kicked every day for the rest of your life because you found a new way to act like a nerd.
BOBBY: Ward said you wouldn't understand.
HANK: Bobby, you don't need a crystal ball to see Ward's future. He's going to live with his mother until she dies, and maybe for a few weeks after.
WARD RACKLEY: You are the chosen one, Bobby. From here on and for all time, you will be known as "Robert the Dog-Quaffer."
JOHN REDCORN: Have you checked out John Redcorn's New Age Healing Center? You really should. On Friday nights, John Redcorn and his band, Big Mountain Fudge Cake, will be playing. I'm John Redcorn.
BOBBY: You can't tell anyone this. Promise me.
JOHN REDCORN: Bobby, I give you my oath as a New Age healer.
NO'RAM WOODBINDER: Destroyus Bobbyus Hillus! Destroyus Bobbyus Hillus!
BOBBY: You guys are so nerdy, even I feel like giving you a wedgie.
Quotes from "King of the Hill: Pilot"
Written by Mike Judge & Greg Daniels
Directed by Wes Archer
(First lines ever spoken on the show)
DALE: I know what's wrong with it: It's a Ford. You know what they say "Ford" stands for, don't you? It stands for "Fix It Again, Tony."
HANK: You're thinking of a Fiat, Dale.
BOOMHAUER: I tell ya what you do...you just take them dang ol' spark plugs out...and
that little hole...you just put a little oil around there...just like Bobby Unser said like it go BOOM...just
HANK: Well, I wish it were that easy, Boomhauer, but I'll tell you what my truck needs -- leadership. Detroit hasn't felt any real pride since George Bush went to Japan and vomited on their auto executives.
BOOMHAUER (discussing Seinfeld): I tell you what, man, you see the part where dang ol' George come in there and he's talkin' 'bout tasting his own burp and Kramer comes slidin' in there, he always does that. Them New York boys, I tell you what...just a show about nothin'.
HANK: That boy ain't right.
HANK: You can't make an omelette without breaking eggs, and you can't get on base without taking a swing.
BOBBY: The pitcher could walk me, couldn't he?
HANK: Don't play lawyer-ball, son.
ANTHONY: I wish I could, ma'am, but the regulations say we can't take custody of the boy without an interview.
DALE: I know what's wrong with your truck. It's your quote unquote pollution controls. I heard on talk radio you don't even need 'em, they're just an egghead government plot.
HANK: How is cutting down on pollution a government plot, Dale?
DALE: Open up your eyes, man. They're trying to control global warming. Get it? "Global?"
HANK: So what?
DALE: That's code for U.N. commissars telling Americans what the temperature's going to be in our outdoors. I say let the world warm up, let's see what Boutros Boutros Ghali Ghali has to say about that. We'll grow oranges in Alaska!
HANK: Dale, you giblet-head, we live in Texas! It's already 110 in the summer, and if it gets one degree hotter, I'm going to kick your ass!
DALE: Could be far-off helicopters...U.N. helicopters.
ANTHONY: Mr. Hill, I feel that you're coming from an anger mindset, and if you're projecting this anger onto me, it gives me grave concerns as to how you facilitate your son's growth in private.
HANK: Mister, I haven't even begun to project my anger onto you!
PEGGY: I'm a substitute Spanish teacher. Los estudiantes son mis amigos.
ANTHONY: Loud is not allowed.
DALE: Hey, baby, how about a couple of beers?
NANCY: Sorry, sug, I gotta go. I'm late for my migrane treatment with John Redcorn.
DALE: Nancy, you been going to that healer for twelve years, and you still get headaches every night.
NANCY: The healing process takes time, honey.
BOOMHAUER: I been calling y'all people for better than a month now, gripe 'bout y'all...ever time that dang ol' dog across the street start yappin' his jaw...24-hours a day...nobody answered...How you supposed to come out here and do anything about that dog?...Ain't no computer gonna come over here and shut that dang ol' dog up.
LUANNE: Mama's in jail. She was savin' a quart of beer for before bed, and Daddy threw it out, and she went after him with a fork. And the trailer tipped over, and everything turned upside down, and it's all gonna be on Real Stories of the Highway Patrol.
BOBBY: Your hostility invalidates our parent/child contract.
HANK: You're quotin' that twig-boy at me???
ANTHONY: The whole neighborhood was Redneck City. Did you see in the report how he dented my Geo?
BOBBY: Dad, that's not respectful adult/child growth dialogue.
HANK: I'll give you dialogue that's -- not coming from a center of anger. Please return the garage door to its factory-preset down position.
HANK: Please respect...my fence's right to...be a fence. Now!
BOBBY: I like him better this way.
PEGGY: How come?
BOBBY: I can make him love me even when I screw up.
COTTON: I got my shins blowed off by a Japan-Man's machine gun, so don't come cryin' to me with your problems!
HANK: You, uh, you're my son, you know, with everything that entails... feelings of fondness and more... You know what I mean, don’t you, boy?
HANK: Ah. Well -- (high-pitched whinny) That's a hell of a weird sound, I never made that before... uh... I... you... family. You're not making this easy on me, boy. Okay: I love you no matter what you do, there, whew! Let's go get something to eat.
BOBBY: I'm not just a big disappointment to you?
HANK: Disappointment? No! You make me proud! I've been disappointed by just about everything else in this town, but you? Not once. Damn it, you're my boy.
Quotes from "Square Peg"
Written by Joe Stillman
Directed by Gary McCarver
HANK: No need for Bobby to get all bothered up learning about sex when he can't do a damn thing about it anyway, at his age...and with his features.
PEGGY: Bobby, honey, um -- what do you know about sexual relations?
BOBBY: I don't know. Nothing much. I'm a little worried about being a slut.
BILL: I didn't take sex ed in school. The army taught me everything I needed to know, and in four different languages, too. Want to know how to get a bar girl in the Philippines?
BOOMHAUER: Yeah man...I tell ya what...I'll tell him about them condom dispensers...Put little ol' 50 cents in there and try to hit that coin return...bang on that thing...Talk about her needs.
PEGGY: Listen to this chapter title: "The Fourteen Stages of Arousal." And then you turn the page and -- oh my goodness, is that C. Everett Koop?
LUANNE: That must be an old book, 'cause now there's eighteen stages.
PEGGY: Luanne, honey, tell me, what is it like to live without shame of any kind? Is it a good feeling?
LUANNE: Yeah, it is.
PEGGY'S MOM: You're at that special time of life, the time when a little girl becomes a woman, and you start getting a monthly visitor.
YOUNG PEGGY: Who? Uncle Joe?
LUANNE: Look, here's a chapter on "Communicating Your Needs To Your Love Partner."
HANK: Ugh! What kind of filth are you reading?
HANK: That is the inside of a womb! A woman's womb! Bobby is not going to look at the inside of a womb! He's only been outside yours for eleven years!
BOBBY: I'm not gonna need my toys any more. After I learn Sex Ed, I'll be too busy dating.
BOBBY: I don't know. Whoever wants to have sex with me.
BILL: Just think, you'll be married to a woman who knows everything about sex. I never been with a woman like that, except of course bar girls. Not that Peggy's a bar girl, no, she just...knows what a bar girl...knows.
DOOLEY: Hey, Bobby, your mom's gonna teach Sex Ed.
BOBBY: Yeah, I know.
DOOLEY: We're gonna get to see her boobs.
DOOLEY (to another kid): Your dad lost his job.
PEGGY: Don't stop at first base, son! Go all the way, Bobby! Go all the way, honey!
DALE (on the telephone, disguising his voice): You don't know who I am, but I know where you live, and if you teach that Sex Ed class, so help me, I --
HANK: Dale? Is that you?
DALE: Oh, Hank. Uh, can I speak with Peggy?
HANK: Peggy, it's for you. It's Dale.
PEGGY: Hello, Dale.
DALE: You don't know who I am, but I know where you live...
HANK: Where in the hell are my elbows gonna be that they need to be smooth?
PEGGY: Ovaries. Uvula. Uterus. Va...GINA!
PEGGY: Hey, Hank, I just did it.
HANK: I heard you. The whole neighborhood can hear you cussin'.
PEGGY: It's not cussin', Hank, to say the name of a God-given body part.
HANK: It is if it's a part of the body that was meant to be concealed by an undergarment. You're dealing with organs that people just don't want to know about.
PEGGY: Well, Bobby ought to know about them. We don't want him growing up as repressed as we did.
HANK: Sure we do!
PEGGY: Today we're going to discuss the subject of human relations. Otherwise known as... (beat) Human relations.
BOBBY: I just wanted to say you don't have to worry about me, 'cause I'm never gonna have sex.
HANK: Whoa, Bobby, now don't say that!
BOBBY: I thought that's what you wanted.
HANK: Well, yes, if you were my daughter, but you're my son.
BOBBY: Why is it not okay for girls, but it's okay for boys?
HANK: It's called the double standard, Bobby. Don't knock it, we got the long end of the stick on that one.
HANK: If you'd like to learn more about sexual education, don't! Nobody likes a know-it-all who sits around talking about their genitalia. Now, I think you might like this next show, The X-Files. I always thought it was some kind of porno, on account of the title, but turns out it's all about two young people who don't have sex. Now, that's entertainment!
Quotes from "The Order of the Straight Arrow"
Written by Cheryl Holliday
Directed by Klay Hall
COTTON: I'm not gonna sugarcoat it: Some of you ain't comin' back. Those who survive will be honored members of the Order of the Straight Arrow. Those who don't will be dead.
YOUNG BOOMHAUER: We're gonna get snackered...I tell ya what...boy...man ...I wanna get all messed up...Let's just pollute our minds and get three sheets in the dang ol' wind.
YOUNG BILL: When I grow up I'm gonna drink this stuff every day, just like my dad, and fly jets and maybe even be an astronaut.
YOUNG DALE: I'm gonna live in London and be a rich millionaire and have people killed.
YOUNG HANK: I'm gonna sell propane and propane accessories, if my grades are good enough.
BILL: I'm so depressed I can't even blink.
HANK: I tell you what, we are going to turn those kids into men this weekend.
BILL: We can still play jokes on 'em, right?
DALE: They're not jokes, Bill, they're painful lessons. I thank my father every day for all the tricks he played on me. He taught me the most wonderful lesson a child can learn: Never trust nobody. That's how I know Bob Dole's faking that dead arm.
JOSEPH: Dad, can me and Bobby bring life preservers?
DALE: If you want to be sissies.
JOSEPH (to Bobby): He said yes!
DALE: We got this Order of the Straight Arrow retreat tomorrow, and I was wondering --
JOHN REDCORN: I'd be honored to look after your wife.
DALE: Gee, thanks.
JOHN REDCORN: The spirit bag is very sacred. You should not make light.
DALE: I like how you say everything's sacred. That's funny too.
JOSEPH: You have the coolest mom. She smells like Miracle Whip.
PEGGY: It is very important that you be there for your mama. This is her big day.
LUANNE: Well, actually, her big day is the sentencing. This is just the arraignment.
HANK: This trip is about the sacredness of Mother Earth and all she gives us. So pee now, 'cause once we get on the road, we ain't stopping.
HANK: Here are your Silence Sticks.
BOBBY: Those are Slim Jims.
HANK: That's what the white man calls them. Wematanye calls them Silence Sticks to test your spirit of shutting up.
DALE: Oh, man. What kind of lefty hootenanny is this?
HANK: Look at that one, bouncing around in front of God and everybody. Would it kill a tree if she wore a bra?
HANK: We of the Order of the Straight Arrow call upon the spirit Wematanye, protector of the sacred ground that brings us cool water to drink and energy-efficient clean-burning propane gas for all our sacred heating and cooking needs. Wematanye says, respect the earth! She's ours, by God, our taxes pay for Her. Also, it says here you gotta love all Her creatures. Let's see...oh, here we go: Though we walk through the valley of the shadow of death, you're gonna recommend us to the spirit in the sky, with liberty and justice for all. Wematanye is with you, and with Texas. Amen.
HANK: Remember, the snipe call is this: "Woo loo loo, woo loo loo."
DALE: You and I may be acquainted but we are not traveling companions. I am merely here to enjoy Earth Day and play some hacky-sack.
BOOMHAUER: Yeah man I tell ya what...Did one of them snipe hunts last night...man with
them sticks and bags and Whack! Whack! man, go Woooo-loo-loo-loo! ...Talk about big mistake
y'all...It's right there in that cooler.
RANGER: Well, if any of you see anything, stop by the ranger station.
ENVIRONMENTALIST: I also heard they were hunting a snipe last night.
RANGER: There is no snipe.
ENVIRONMENTALIST: My God, how many more species have to be wiped out before we learn?
HANK: There is no Wematanye. It's just some damn nonsense we made to fill out the weekend. Tell him, Dale.
DALE: How do you know my name, crane-killer?
BILL: Those spirit bags of yours are just my ex-wife's old socks, and by the way, I want them back.
HANK: When Dale and Bill and Boomhauer and me went through this together as kids, all the tricks and lies from our dads, they were part of the experience. It brought us all together, you know, us against them.
BOBBY: I don't want to be against you! You're my dad. We're supposed to be on the same team.
RANGER: Sir, you lied to me, you lied to this little boy, and I don't know what you did to this gentleman in his underwear!
PEGGY: I bought a microwave.
HANK: I tell you what, this family goes through microwaves like other families go through shoes.
Quotes from "Luanne's Saga"
Written by Paul Lieberstein
Directed by Pat Shinagawa
BOBBY: My Game Boy's out of batteries. I need to get on the Nintendo, quick!
LUANNE: He is not just dancing. He's firming his thighs and tightening his buttocks.
BOOMHAUER (as Luanne cries): Yeah, man, them dang ol' birds, man, flyin' low this season, probably...dang ol' awkward, I tell you what, man.
HANK: What the hell was that?
BILL: That was a breakup. At least that's what it was the last time I ran into the house crying.
(Mega Lo Mart Theme Song): At Mega Lo Mart, you're shopping for the rest of your life!
CHUCK MANGIONE: How you doin' out there? I'm Chuck Mangione. You know, even celebrities have to hunt for bargains. That's why I go to the Mega Lo Mart, where shopping feels so good.
HANK: Luanne, sometimes life throws you a curve ball. Now there's two ways you can deal with it. You can cry -- and that's the path you've chosen -- or you can not cry.
LUANNE: How do you not cry?
HANK: Well, instead of letting it out, try holding it in. Every time you have a feeling, just stick it into a little pit inside your stomach and never let it out.
LUANNE (trying it): Are you supposed to have a pain under your rib?
HANK: Yes. That's natural. The body doesn't want to swallow its emotions. But now you go ahead and put that pain inside your stomach too.
LUANNE: I think it's workin', Uncle Hank. I feel sick, but not sad.
HANK: Pass me some more of that cookie dough. Mmm! I never knew you could eat it raw. It's almost as good as ice cream.
LUANNE: You know, they make ice cream with cookie dough already in it.
HANK: Damn, sister, get me my keys!
HANK: I did what you couldn't do. Now, I'm not saying you're not good at what you do, I'm just saying I'm better. I went in there and fixed her, like fixing a carburetor. And you know what? It was fun. Like fixing a carburetor.
DALE: It's a scientific fact that women like round, muscular butts. I'm going to look for a guy with a round, muscular butt.
JOHN REDCORN: Dale, I bought you a beer. Mind if I dance with your wife?
DALE: Take her. (John Redcorn goes off with Nancy; Dale sips his beer.) Sucker.
BOOMHAUER: Boy, I tell you what, man, that dang ol' CK One, man, just like catnip.
DALE (at a urinal, to the guy next to him): Hey, you seem like a regular guy.
LUANNE: I don't know if I'm ready, Uncle Hank.
HANK: Sure you are! And Wade's a catch and a half -- he can run the forty in under five seconds!
LUANNE: But my heart is tellin' me --
HANK: Your heart is telling you? Who's the boss, you or your heart? You are! Your heart is your employee! So get your heart off its butt and back to work!
LUANNE: You're right, Uncle Hank! What am I waitin' for? Let's go get Wade!
HANK: You can't compete with this guy. He's a football player, and football players know how to treat women right.
PEGGY: You are out of your depth, Hank Hill. You've opened a Pandora's Box, a box that has a sign that reads "For Women Only." As long as it took that river to carve the Grand Canyon, that is how long women have been learning to subtly manipulate relationships. You only think it's easy because we make it look easy. Did you really believe you could step in and fix it overnight? Could you really be such a fool? Woe is you, Hank Hill, woe is you!
HANK: Wade's a good guy! You don't know -- he runs fast!
HANK: What happened to Wade? Why aren't you with Wade? I want Wade!
LUANNE: I'll stay at Boomhauer's!
BOOMHAUER: Wait, man, this ain't gonna work out...little gals comin' around...I just gotta say flat-out no, man.
LUANNE: Thanks, Boomhauer, let's go.
BOOMHAUER: Dang ol' women, from Mars, man, I tell you what.
DALE: This neighborhood is turning into Melrose Place.
DALE: Boomhauer didn't do anything, and even if he did, why do you care? Luanne's not your relation.
HANK: Hell, she's my wife's brother's daughter -- you can't get any closer than that!
BOOMHAUER (ordering dinner): Fried fillet of fried chicken ... french fried side of fries ... and some fried okra.
BOOMHAUER: Hank, I don't know what you're thinkin', but no, man, I ain't no Woody Allen with that little ol' Soon-Li, man, nothin's gonna happen.
HANK: Lookit, she's crying again. I guess she just got dumped by her new boyfriend Boomhauer.
PEGGY: Boomhauer didn't dump her, you did.
HANK: I was moving stuff around, and it seems the room looks a little better this way.
LUANNE: The bed is even out.
HANK: Well, I figure there's no sense in packin' it up night after night.
Quotes from "Hank's Got the Willies"
Written by Johnny Hardwick
Directed by Monte Young
BOBBY: Aren't you supposed to knock first? I could have been naked!
HANK: What is a "Celery Head?"
BOBBY: He's the world's best comedian. He glues things! Like he glues a Kleenex box to a tennis shoe and goes "This is in case you have a runny nose!"
HANK: That's not a joke, son, that's a waste of good glue.
HANK: Luanne, good Lord, put on some pants!
PEGGY: Hank, calm down, it is just a bunch of wood and some wires.
HANK: Wood and wires? I've had Betsy since high school. I took her to the prom. I love this guitar. Do you understand what I'm saying? Do you understand what love means?
PEGGY: Yes. I love my family.
HANK: Now you're getting it. That's the kind of love I have for Betsy.
DALE: Dammit, Hank, you know I can't have loud sudden noises while I'm meditating! I was a nose-hair away from achieving inner peace!
(Dale kicks the truck, and the noise stops.)
HANK: Don't even try to take credit for that.
DALE: It was not done by me. It was done through me.
HANK: What is that chinging noise?
DALE: One of those stealth helicopters with computerized noise-cancellation capability. They're still working the chings out.
BILL: How'd you know about the stealth helicopters?
BOOMHAUER: Yeah man, I tell you what, man. That dang ol' Internet, man. You just go on there and point and click. Talk about W-W-dot-W-com. An' lotsa nekkid chicks on there, man. Click. Click. Click. Click. Click. It's real easy, man.
HANK: Why can't Bobby turn all that energy into something positive, like that boy with no legs who ran across Canada?
HANK: So Bobby, we got to think of a hero for you.
BOBBY: Do you have a hero, Dad?
HANK: I sure do, and it's Willie Nelson.
BOBBY: How come?
HANK: Well, you might say he's been my inspiration. See, Willie grew up in Texas, and I grew up in Texas. He loves golfing and playing guitar, I love golfing and playing guitar, he's had trouble with the IRS, and I must have spent six hours last April on that 1040 form -- EZ my ass.
BOBBY: I like Willie Nelson. He's got long hair, he's alternative.
HANK: Now you take that back! I've followed that man from Country and Western to Country to Adult Contemporary, and that's as far as I'm going.
PEGGY: Most women would be threatened by Betsy, but not me. I don't care. I'd like to see that guitar come home and chicken fry a steak after substitute teaching all day.
BOBBY: Mr. Gribble, who is your all-time hero?
DALE: You are, if you get me some smokes.
EARL: Les, go in the back and alphabetize the guitar strings.
LES: Alphabetize by letter?
HANK: That's okay, Bobby, you can do it. Just choke up on it. And swing less like a girl.
HANK: Mr. Nelson, I am so sorry. My boy is new to golf. I'm your biggest fan. I go to every concert I can. I've been to every Farm Aid except one. I don't care much for that Bryan Adams.
WILLIE NELSON: Hey, I know you. You're the kid that rakes my lawn.
BOBBY: No, I'm the kid who hit you in the head.
WILLIE NELSON: With a rake?
BOBBY: No, with a golf club.
WILLIE NELSON: You been raking my lawn with a golf club? I want my quarter back.
BOBBY: Dad, guess where I am?
HANK: Oh, I dunno, let's see, crushing Dwight Yoakam's voice box with my five iron?
BOBBY: I'm at Willie Nelson's, and he wants you to come over!
HANK: Son, you're teasing the gorilla in the monkey house.
HANK (shoving Lyle Lovett): Out of my way, Rooster Boy!
WILLIE NELSON: Hey, Hank. Bobby's been telling me all about you. I hear you're a guitar player, and that you got a narrow urethra.
LUANNE (as she braids Peggy's hair): The fox chases the rabbit around the tree trunk and... (phone rings; Peggy gets up to answer it) I was so close! (sobs)
BOOMHAUER: I tell you what, man, you did that dang ol' Mr. Tambourine Man, talkin'
about "come play a song for me" and all, then you change your name to Zimmerman, y'all
BOB DYLAN: Well, whole bunch of kids going around, mad dog, and denim, going platinum, who knows, accounting firms, dang ol' Boomhauer.
PEGGY: Los Mariachis son diablos!
WILLIE NELSON: Bobby wants to play your guitar, ride your mower and swing your golf club. Seems to me that boy does have a hero, and his name is Hank Hall.
WILLIE NELSON: Uh, yeah, right.
PEGGY: You know, I was headed over here to knock you six ways from Sunday with that guitar, then I get here and you're playing that ol' song of yours, and, well, I love you, Propane Man.
WILLIE NELSON: Luanne, you braided that perfectly, but next time try to go easier on the glitter spray.
Quotes from "Westie Side Story"
Written by Jonathan Aibel & Greg Berger
Directed by Brian Sheesley
BILL: They look Japanese.
DALE: Nope. I think they're Chinese.
BILL: How can you tell?
DALE: Japanese guys usually have glasses and a suit and a tie, and stuff like that.
BOOMHAUER: Yeah, man, them Chinese, man, you can't understand a dang-ol' word they say, man, just try, dang ol' whole upside-down and whatnot.
HANK: So, are you Chinese or Japanese?
KAHN: I live in California last twenty years, but first come from Laos.
KAHN: Laos. We Laotian.
BILL: The ocean? What ocean?
KAHN: We are Laotian. From Laos, stupid! It's a landlocked country in Southeast Asia. It's between Vietnam and Thailand, okay? Population 4.7 million.
HANK: So, are you Chinese or Japanese?
PEGGY: This is so very exciting. It's like we get to travel to the Orient without
having to worry about diarrhea or being jailed for our pro-democracy
LUANNE: You know, at the beauty academy, they teach us that people aren't black, or white, or yellow, or red, but their hair can be.
PEGGY: These people are by nature shy and reserved. I read somewhere that the Chinese language has seventy words for "rice," but no word for "friend."
MINH: Kahn, please, for once, try not to piss off neighbor. We kick out of Laos. We kick out of Anaheim. I'm tired of running.
KAHN: Hank. Ooh, damn! Damn! Oh, uh, you have damn fine house!
HANK: Lead-free since 1988.
PEGGY: You do not come into a woman's home and insult her feet. You just don't!
HANK: Be careful, Bobby. That's one of them Chinese fighting dogs.
CONNIE: Uh, it's a West Highland Terrier.
HANK: Yeah, that's it.
HANK: Ah, aren't kids great? They're too young to know about fear or prejudice. They won't have to learn that till high school.
KAHN: Ha ha ha! Your Ladybird, she real slut!
HANK: Ladybird is not a slut! She is in heat! Her hormones have overwhelmed her natural modesty.
HANK: I don't like him. it has
nothing to do with where he's from. I'm no redneck. He could be
from Mars for all I care.
DALE: Believe me, Hank, if Kahn were from Mars, you'd care. Especially after he's stolen every last drop of Earth's drinkable water and taken it back to his home planet...Mars.
HANK: I hate the man because he's rude and nasty. Not because of what
his people did to us in WW Two.
PEGGY: Well, Hank, I know that. But everyone else will say "Hank Hill is a racist."
HANK: What the hell kind of country is this where I can only hate a man if he's white?
PEGGY: Hank Hill, you will go to that party, you will pretend to like Kahn, and you will drink until you actually do.
KAHN: You honor me by giving me gas.
CONNIE (watching Ladybird and Doggie): Hey, let's untie them. They belong together.
BOBBY: And it's fun to watch them play piggyback.
BOBBY: Why are you named Kahn Jr.?
CONNIE: My father wanted a boy.
BOBBY: Yeah, so did mine.
CONNIE: My dad's making me memorize two thousand words for the
S.A.T.s. He's such an autocrat.
BOBBY: What's a S.A.T.?
MINH: Oh, Peggy Hill, your husband like burger so much, we give you recipe. Now you can please him.
DALE: Here are the facts as I see them: Kahn served you dog.
BILL: Even if they did serve us dog, I mean, who are we to judge other cultures?
HANK: Don't talk like that! The dog is man's best friend. You wouldn't eat your best friend, would you?
BILL: Of course not. Wait a minute, are we talking about some kind of lifeboat situation here? Because I don't want to commit myself.
DALE: They'll probably get you with a blow-dart. That's their way. But you'll just think it's a mosquito bite, until you die. Then you'll know the truth.
KAHN: That psycho redneck is back. Why he so mad? You do something wrong?
MINH: You're the one who insulted his propane.
KAHN: You're the one who made fun of Peggy's monster feet.
HANK: Welcome to the neighborhood, Kahn Souphanousinphone.
KAHN: Just call me Kahn. I don't got all damn day.
Quotes from "Hank's Unmentionable Problem"
Written by Greg Daniels & Mike Judge
Directed by Adam Kuhlman
PEGGY: How did the big shampooing final go?
LUANNE: Well, I passed "lather" but I failed "rinse," and then I failed "repeat" too because it includes rinse, which I don't think is very fair.
PEGGY: How long has this been going on?
HANK: There's nothing going on, Peg. That's the problem.
PEGGY: Well, how long have you had this problem?
HANK: There's no problem. It's not something we need to talk about.
BOBBY: You should eat those, Dad. They help you make.
BOBBY: Well, I thought you were consti --
HANK: Where would you get such an idea? That's ridiculous. Anyway, that's not something you should ever know about your father.
NANCY: I'm a meteorologist, not a doctor, but if I had to make an educated guess, I'd say he's got polio. (Peggy gasps.) Okay, okay, I'm not a meteorologist, I'm a weather girl.
BILL: Oh, Hank, it happens to everyone now and then. There's no reason to
HANK: Maybe I'm not the one who should be embarrassed. Did you ever think of that? Maybe you're going a little too much. Once every four or five days gives me more free time. If you wanna spend all your time on the toilet, be my guest.
DALE: Have you tried squatting? It takes pressure off the lower body.
BILL: You know, Hank, I find a ride on the lawnmower helps.
HANK: Would you please stop talking about this?
BOOMHAUER: Hey, Hank, you know I've been thinking about y'all and your dang'ol bottom and all and what's gonna get it movin' again; I think y'all ought go jogging or swimmin' like water bugs, man, it's gonna be havin' you poopin' just like you used to, man. God knows it's gonna work.
BOOMHAUER'S GIRLFRIEND: It helped my aunt after her pregnancy.
HANK: I don't know you, do I?
BOOMHAUER'S GIRLFRIEND: No, you don't.
DALE: Here's one that's guaranteed to work for you, Hank. You take a spoonful of bacon grease --
HANK: I am not eating bacon grease.
DALE: You didn't let me finish.
PEGGY: I'm tired of worrying to myself. It's better to talk things out,
HANK: Not these things. Not toilet things.
PEGGY: All right, Hank, if it makes you this upset, I will just sit here silently, alone with my worries.
BILL (at Hank's fantasy funeral): He looks like an angel. A dead angel.
BOOMHAUER (crying): Why, man, dang ol' why, why?
DALE: It should have been Bill.
C. EVERETT KOOP: Remember, early detection is the key. Now pass in your algebra homework.
DR. MORLEY: How long has it been since your last bowel movement?
HANK: Well, I don't usually keep track of these things...
PEGGY: Five days. And Hank's usual schedule is every two days. Of course, when we were first married, he'd go every day. But then I spoke to his mother and she said the most interesting thing. When he was a teenager, he would be in that bathroom three or four times a day...
DR. MORLEY: You know, Bobby, if I were to take your grandfather's --
HANK: I'm his father.
DR. MORLEY: Your father's intestine and lay it out in a straight line, it would go all the way around the Earth.
PEGGY: Well, that is fascinating, Doctor. I never knew that.
HANK: Now, how could that be? The Earth is 25,000 miles around. A piece of steak would have to shoot through your intestines at the speed of sound. That's impossible.
DR. MORLEY: Well, Mr. Hill, there's certainly nothing going through your intestines that fast.
BOBBY: Hey, I like this. Can I be a proctologist when I grow up?
TASHA: Mr. Hill, I'm going to have to ask you to relax your buttocks.
DR. MORLEY: You know, it's possible to live a normal, healthy, slightly less active life without a colon. You just can't wear shorts.
HEALTH STORE EMPLOYEE: Try this faux-fu. It's a tofu substitute for the tofu-intolerant.
PEGGY: Would that be good for a man who's constipated?
PEGGY: I didn't say it was you.
HEALTH STORE EMPLOYEE: Now, is this for your husband?
HANK: Do you have anything here that tastes good?
HEALTH STORE EMPLOYEE: Uh...no.
LUANNE (suggesting an acupuncturist): He sticks needles in your skin and sets them on fire.
HANK: Anyone ever try that on me, I'll kick his ass.
HANK: Look, honey, we've gotta talk. I know you wanna help, but this is getting out of control. You can't treat a grown man like a baby. It ain't right. I feel like I've been trying to be someone else lately. Eating food I don't eat -- and I'm just not gonna do it anymore. And if I don't ever poop again then that's just gonna be who I am. I'd rather die with a burger in my colon than live and eat FauxFu.
HANK: You might've noticed in tonight's episode, there was some brief nudity. Now, as an actor, I only do nudity when I feel the script warrants it. And I thought tonight's episode only warranted seeing the side of my rump. You can believe me when I tell you the Fox executives were pushing for a whole lot more. If any of you were offended by my body, I'm truly sorry. Good night.
Quotes from "Shins of the Father"
Written by Alan Cohen & Alan Freedland
Directed by Martin Archer
HANK: Hey, my Dad's invitation to the party got returned. "Grandpa Cotton Hill, Hell, U.S.A."? Bobby, why'd you
write this? You know Grandpa lives in Houston.
BOBBY: Mom says he's the Devil.
HANK: Peggy, how can you tell Bobby that?
PEGGY: I said "evil," Hank. How you get "Devil" from that is beyond me.
HANK: He lost his shins defending Texas in World War Two.
HANK: Bobby, if you're gonna fake dial, you gotta hit more than three numbers.
DOOLEY: This party's boring. Everybody hates you.
BOBBY: Vot are you talking about? Vot are you talking about?
BOOMHAUER: Heh heh heh...Man, what you talkin' about?...What you talkin' about?...I tell ya what, fat kids always funny, man...dang ol' John Candy, John Belushi...Knife and fork dug their graves, man.
BETHANY: I heard after Hank's mother left Cotton, he married his 16-year-old
PEGGY: Didi is 39, thank you very much. Although parts of her are much younger.
COTTON: Hey, Hank's wife.
COTTON: Looky here, Hank. What do you think of your momma's new ta-tas?
HANK: She is not my mother. Hell, we went to kindergarten together.
DIDI: Hey Hank. Do you still like finger-painting?
BILL: I'm having fun!
DOOLEY: Your wife divorced you.
HANK: This is my new neighbor.
DALE: He's Japanese.
COTTON: No he ain't. He's Laotian. Ain't you, Mr. Kahn?
PEGGY: Good lord, Cotton! You gave him a loaded
COTTON: Well, you don't give a toy without batteries.
COTTON: Thanks a lot, Girlie, but the truth is: you're a girl.
DIDI: Cotton, I'll do the dishes. I like to.
COTTON: Permission granted. Put an apron over your new bosom, too. (aside to Bobby) Don't tell her, but I got 'em cheap. Both lefties.
COTTON: Hank, Bobby and me have decided he's gonna stick vegetables up his nose.
HANK: You just don't understand him, Peg. See, he's a flamboyant
character, like a peacock. That's why men love him. But women
don't like his style because you all are like the pea-hen. More
subdued and drab.
PEGGY: You just cannot see your father for who he is.
HANK: Well, Bobby and I both want him to stay. So that means you're outvoted.
PEGGY: Oh yeah? Well, Luanne hates him too. That means we're even.
HANK: Well, Jesus loves him, so I win.
COTTON: You're nothin' but skin and bones, girlie! Put some corn pone on them hips!
LUANNE: I don't want any, Grandpa Hill. Don't wanna get fat.
COTTON: That's not for you to worry about. You will never know if you are attractive. It's up to a man to tell you that. You keep eating and I'll tell you when to stop.
LUANNE: Touch me again, and you'll be wearing that corn pone,
COTTON: Ooooooee! Feisty!
COTTON: It's a holiday, isn't it? It's Angie Dickinson's birthday!
DALE: Sometimes things just disappear for no logical reason. One day, my cousin woke up -- his kidney was gone. At the same time, five hundred miles away, a woman in Phoenix contracted diabetes.
COTTON (watching Charlie's Angels): Damn, it's a Shelley Hack! That's like gettin' a Shemp!
BOBBY (to Peggy): Well, go on, woman, get me my dinner!
HANK: What are you, turning into some kind of feminist?
PEGGY: I am not a feminist, Hank. I am Peggy Hill, a citizen of the Republic of Texas. I work hard, I sweat hard and I love hard and I gotta smell good and look pretty while doing it. So, I comb my hair, I re-apply lipstick thirty times a day, I do your dishes, I wash your clothes and I clean the house. Not because I have to, Hank, but because of a mutual, unspoken agreement that I have never brought up, because I am too much of a lady.
HANK: Thirty times a day?
COTTON: What kinda work could a guy get in
DALE: Uh, are you allergic to asbestos?
COTTON: Hell no.
COTTON: I was fourteen, just a little older than Bobby. But I knew Uncle Sam needed me, so I lied and signed up. We had beat the Nazzys in Italy, and they shipped me to the Pacific theater. A Tojo torpedo sent our troupe's ship to the bottom. I could only save three of my buddies, Fatty, Stinky, and Brooklyn. They were kind of like you fellas, only one of them was from Brooklyn. Out of the sun came a Tojo Zero and put fifty bullets in my back. The blood attracted sharks. I had to give 'em Fatty. Then things took a turn for the worse. I made it to an island, but it was full of Tojos! They were spitting on the U.S. flag! So I rushed 'em, but it was a trap. They opened fire and blew my shins off. Last thing I remember, I beat 'em all to death with a big piece of Fatty. I woke up in a field hospital, and they were sewing my feet to my knees.
BOBBY: Hoo! She's moody! Must be PBS.
HANK: Well, she's got a point, but he's a war hero. She's my wife, but
he's got no shins.
CUSTOMER: Uh, I'm just trying to get some propane here.
COTTON: Well, I never thought I'd see the day when my own son would stop loving me. It's about time! Love's for sissies! Ain't that right, you house full of hookers?
HANK: Your mother's
probably got a better head on her shoulders than anybody in Arlen.
BOBBY: Better than Bill? Or Dale? Or Boomhauer?
HANK: Geez, Bobby, why not compare her to a babboon in the zoo?
Quotes from "Peggy the Boggle Champ"
Written by Jonathan Aibel & Glenn Berger
Directed by Chuck Sheetz
DALE: I hate to see Nancy cooped up all Sunday playing that Boggle. It's a beautiful day. She ought to be outside hanging my laundry.
LUANNE: Boy, Aunt Peg, the words I don't know could fill a dictionary.
NANCY: The Elks are having a Boggle tournament to raise their treasurer's bail money.
PEGGY: Boggle is nothing like cow bingo, Hank. Boggle is a game of wits. Cow bingo is a game of strategy.
DALE: Boy, that wife of yours is pretty good. I guess that's why they
call her your "better half."
HANK: Who calls her that?
HANK: I don't want you going to Dallas at all! That place is crawling with crackheads and debutantes. And half of them play for the Cowboys.
BOOMHAUER: Check it out, man...Talk about a road trip...Up at that Big D...motel, man...Talk about THE BIGGEST NAMES IN MOWERS, EDGERS AND CLIPPERS! BE THERE!...man, it's gonna be fun.
HANK: Come on, Peggy, we've got to get to Dallas before the gangs wake up.
LUANNE: Can I go back to bed, Aunt Peggy? I need to get eight hours of beauty sleep and then write a paper on it.
BOBBY: Luanne, that movie's got bad words and adult situations.
LUANNE: Not any more. I rented it at Blockbuster.
PEGGY: It's okay, Hank. Valet parking is included in the price of the
HANK: I don't like the looks of this one, Peggy. He's just itching to take my truck for a joy ride.
CHUCK MANGIONE: So take it from me, Chuck Mangione. Unplugging the iron feels so good! Can you dig it?
HANK: Peggy married me! I didn't marry her!
BURNETT: The Duke himself, John Wayne, was really named Marion.
HANK: You take that back!
PEGGY: I have dreamt of this moment ever since I was ages 8 and up.
PEGGY: You can't leave now! You are my coach! I need you! You of
all people should understand. I am at state! This is my moment.
When I close my eyes, I see myself in the winner's circle and you
are right there next to me. My coach! My man! And we drive back
to Arlen with that big-ass boggle trophy mounted on the hood of
your old truck like some beautiful gold-plated, bare-breasted
Rolls Royce angel!
HANK: Well, when I close my eyes, I see myself at the mower show. And you're there, too. Like some beauty queen of Yore, wearing a fur coat, and a, gold, uh, hat... Oh, all right, I'll stay.
PEGGY: I am so stupid.
HANK: You're not stupid. Heck, you're smarter than me!
PEGGY: Oh, big deal.
HANK: Well, you're smarter than anyone in Arlen.
PEGGY: Well, whoop-dee-doo! I am the smartest hillbilly in hillbilly town!
HANK: Hey, you know, Coach used to say something that would fire us up
when we were behind.
PEGGY: Yeah? What?
HANK: LOSER! YOU'RE A LOSER! ARE YOU FEELING SORRY FOR YOURSELF?? WELL, YOU SHOULD BE! YOU ARE DIRT! YOU MAKE ME SICK, YOU BIG BABY! BABY WANT A BOTTLE!? A BIG DIRT BOTTLE!?
PEGGY: Why are you yelling at me??
HANK: Uh, I'm trying to be your Coach. Uh, it's, it's inspiring.
PEGGY: Well, thank you, because I feel worse than ever.
HANK: Well, it worked for the team.
PEGGY: No, it didn't. You went to state and lost.
DALE: Two days ago, you were like a little boy, all excited about the mower show. Now you're this strange man holding a purse. Which is it, Hank? Are you some kind of man? Or are you a little boy?
BOBBY: Are you sure you can get that ring out? Look, I can't afford any more screw-ups. I just spent my last dollar on deodorizing carpet sealing.
BOOMHAUER (on the virtual-reality mower): Aaaagh! I ain't got no fingers!
PEGGY: Sad. Abandon. Abandons. Bad. Man.
CISSY: "Ain't?" Haw, haw, haw! That's not a word!
PEGGY: It ain't "ain't," Cissy, it's "Acquaintanceship." As in, "It was not my pleasure to make your acquaintanceship."
Quotes from "Keeping Up With Our Joneses"
Written by Jonathan Collier & Joe Stillman
Directed by John Rice
HANK: This grout is supposed to stay white for twenty years. What's it been, seventeen, eighteen? Peggy, where's that receipt?
JOSEPH: I found a sparkplug.
BOBBY: Great! Now all we need are three more of those, four wheels, an engine, some kind of frame and a cassette radio, and we've got our death car!
BOBBY (reading the label on the Manitoba cigarette carton): "The official cigarette of the Royal Canadian Mounted Police." Wow! I never had one of those.
JOSEPH: You ever had any cigarettes?
BOBBY: No. How about you?
JOSEPH: Only second-hand from my dad.
HANK: Is this john occupied? Est esta juan occupado?
HANK: Didn't you read this? "Cancer. Heart disease. Emphysema."
BOBBY: I thought those were the ingredients.
PEGGY (to Bobby): Only trailer trash smoke nowadays! Do you want to look like trailer trash?
LUANNE: That's not fair! I don't smoke!
PEGGY: Oh, honey, you are not trash just 'cause you grew up in a trailer and your momma's in prison.
JOSEPH: I'm sorry, Dad. I'll never smoke again.
DALE: Whoa, hold on, son. I want you to keep an open mind so you can make an informed decision. If you want, you can read a bloated government report on smoking, or go straight to the horse's mouth and get the facts from the tobacco industry.
HANK: For God's sake, Bobby, what nationality are you?
HANK: Then why are you holding your cigarette like some kind of European Nazi in a movie?
BOBBY: Why does it matter? I thought smoking was bad.
HANK: That's not the right sort of attitude for you to have. Whatever you do, you should do right, even if it's something wrong.
ENRIQUE: Things got tough after NAFTA sent all the pinata jobs north.
HANK: That's quite a story, Enrique. I like stories. I like stories about pinatas. In fact, I like everything you have to say.
BOBBY: Hey, all right! You guys smoke too?
HANK: What we do is not the point. I told you not to smoke. Do I have to take you out back with another carton of cigarettes?
BOBBY: I think you do.
LUANNE: I cannot believe you're all smoking! Don't you know more people die of smoking than die of... war... in Vietnam... every day?
INSTRUCTOR: Look to your left. Now look to your right. What do you see? Don't be shy -- there are no wrong answers here.
MAN: I see a caring human being?
INSTRUCTOR: No. You see your buddies for a better life.
HANK: I've got the strangest feeling someone's gonna kick his ass.
HANK: Bill, what are you doing here?
BILL: Well, I know you think of me as a pretty together guy, but sometimes I need a little help, just six nights a week for twenty years.
INSTRUCTOR: How long have you been addicted to cigarettes?
BOBBY: Since my dad let me smoke a whole carton.
HANK: Now wait a minute, I didn't let him, I made him! It was a punishment!
BILL: Can I get a new buddy?
HANK: I tell you what you all need, you need to take a thirteenth step, down off your high horse.
BOBBY: Why does my potato have skin on it? I hate skin!
PEGGY: I will not sit here and listen to you criticize my work! What, do you think the potatoes just fly into the bowl and mash themselves?
LUANNE: I know y'all don't mean none of those harsh words. It's just the nicotine withdrawal.
HANK: Why is she still talking?
HANK: I wasn't gonna smoke it, I swear.
LUANNE: I know. You did it! Good boy, here's your treat.
PEGGY: Shut that damn door! Can't you see that I am knitting?
BOBBY: Mom, this is not your son, this is your buddy. Who's your buddy? Who's your buddy?
LUANNE: I am sick of dysfunctional families. I came from one and I'm not going to let it happen to you. Function! Function, damn you!
HANK: We'll smoke it together, you and me. It'll be romantic, like it used to be in the old days, before he came along!
BOBBY: Mom, it's your son. Nine months inside, remember? Those were good times too!
PEGGY: This family has survived floods and twisters and every kind of flu the Orient could throw at us, and we are not gonna be done in by a little tobacco leaf!
BOOMHAUER: Y'all listen up, man...this's Boomhauer...this your lungs on air, this your lungs on smoke...see the difference, man?...it's goin' stunt your growth all over...you'll wind up in a dang ol' hospital bed like Morton Downey Jr...Robert Downey Jr. even worse, man...yo...think they talk about oral gratification, all that dang...it's gonna give you a low sperm count, man...give ya ear hair...yo...it just ain't no good.
Quotes from "Plastic White Female"
Written by David Zuckerman
Directed by Jeff Myers
LUANNE: Beauty is an art. It's not something you can learn in school, like gym or study hall.
HANK: Bills... Bills... Bills... Why do we keep getting Bill's mail?
HANK: My hair is our livelihood. The advantages of propane don't always sell themselves.
HANK: Luanne, I'm thinking about just letting my hair grow.
LUANNE: Well, have you ever considered another color?
HANK: Men don't do that.
LUANNE: Oh, sure they do. Even President Reagan did.
HANK: Hey, now, if Ron Reagan dyed his hair -- and I'm not saying he did -- it was only to show his strength to the Communists.
DALE: Joseph's having a party. A boy-girl party. With girls!
HANK: You're gonna need some chaperones, especially if my Bobby's there.
DALE: Don't worry, I've got it all under control. There's not gonna be any hanky panky at my house. (Nancy returns with John Redcorn; Dale waves) Hey, John Redcorn!
DALE: Joseph's getting to be a real ladykiller, too. I reckon he gets that from his old man.
HANK: Hey there, Bobby. I guess they found a cure for the cooties? Heh,
BOBBY: I don't know. What are cooties?
HANK: Well, when I was a boy, that's what they called the germs you got from girls.
BOBBY: Oh, you mean like chlamydia?
LUANNE: Parties are fun, Bobby. Everybody dresses up, and you get to
BOBBY: Touch-dance?? I don't know. What if I get felt up?
LUANNE: Oh, you just need some practice.
HANK: Luanne's right, all you need is practice. You think Jeff Foxworthy just woke up one morning and took some funny pills?
MISS KREMZER: And that's why blondes don't necessarily have more fun.
BOBBY: Are you going to Joseph's party?
CONNIE: Nope. My Dad won't let me be around boys until after I'm married.
BOBBY: It's just a dumb party.
HANK: A dumb party with girls.
BOBBY: I don't like girls!
HANK: Peg, honey, close the screen door.
LUANNE: Look, Aunt Peggy, I got my practice head! It's got real hair and
PEGGY Well, Luanne, it's a very nice hea --
LUANNE (pulls it away): DON'T TOUCH IT! Aunt Peggy, I can't let anything happen to this head before my final. This is my chance to prove it doesn't matter that I wasn't paying attention. I may not be book-smart, but I'm pretty-smart!
BOBBY: There's an after-school special on this afternoon. It's about Jesus.
PEGGY: Hello, sweeth --
HANK: Hey, Dale, Bill, Boomhauer.
DALE: Don't you "Dale, Bill, Boomhauer" us. You said noon. It's 12:15.
BILL: Do you have any idea how long we've been waiting?
BILL: You know, I feel for that kid. I remember when I was starting out as a young barber. I felt so alone --
DALE: Nobody cares, Bill.
HANK: You look better than good. You look like a weatherman.
HANK: Hell, I'm proud of
BOBBY: Hell, I'm proud of you too, Dad. Bye.
HANK: See, Peggy? Our boy is perfectly normal.
BOBBY: Yo, Charisse, you stone-cold fox, what up?
PEGGY: I know it is not my fault. If
anything, this is your fault. You made him go to that camp
with no toilet doors.
HANK: Don't point your finger at me, woman. You're the one who parks him in front of the TV and makes him watch all them muppets. They got frogs kissing pigs, what the hell did they think was going to happen?
PEGGY: We'll move to Berlin. Bobby will be accepted there. I read somewhere that Germans are a very tolerant people. Their culture admires all kinds of freaks.
HANK: Just so you know,
most states won't let you marry a plastic head.
BOBBY: I don't want to marry it! I just needed to practice my first kiss so I don't look like an idiot.
HANK: You're kissing a plastic head, and you're afraid of looking like an idiot?
HANK: You're just using this head
as a crutch.
BOBBY: It's not a crutch, Dad. It's something I've come to rely on to help me through life.
MISS KREMZER: First, this is not the plastic head you were issued. Second,
just look at the way you shaved against the grain here, here,
and here. And these
are the worst sideburns I've seen since chair three, which
makes me suspect you cheated. F. That means you fail.
HANK: What a bitch.
PEGGY: I realize I am just as much to blame for your condition as the media and the Devil.
CONNIE: Hey, aren't you going to Joseph's party?
BOBBY: I can't. It's a make-out party and my Dad took away my plastic head.
CONNIE: What a buzzkill.
CONNIE: Hey, Bobby, why don't we practice on each other?
BOBBY: You want to kiss me?
CONNIE: No, just practice.
Quotes from "The Company Man"
Written by Jim Dauterive
Directed by Klay Hall
MR. STRICKLAND: Bobby, here's the key to the March of Dimes gumball machine. All you can eat!
MR. STRICKLAND: We got competition. M.F. Thatherton.
THATHERTON: See, that's the difference between us. You're a worker bee and I'm a queen.
HOLLOWAY (singing): J.R., J.R., he's a really bad guy, who lives on a ranch with his mom!
HANK: You know, Mr. Holloway, I once had a pair of boots, and then, uh, my Uncle Fess lost his in a tornado.
HOLLOWAY: Oh, you mean a twister?
HANK: Yep. A big Texas-sized twister, I tell you what. Well, that dang twister sucked his boots right off. And you can't bury a man in his stocking feet -- it's the cowboy code. So I gave him my boots, and that's the story of what happened to my boots.
BOBBY: Wow, this is great, J.R.! I always thought you're afraid to wear boots 'cause your toes are too fat.
HANK: I'm only not wearing the hat because of a solemn oath I made to President Lyndon Baines Johnson on the occasion of the birth of his daughter Lynda Bird.
HOLLOWAY: Lyndon Johnson killed our Kennedy!
BOOMHAUER: Hey man, look at that ol' Rhinestone Cowboy, man.
PEGGY: All right, Hank, what is going on here? The way Bobby tells it, you bought my freedom from the Comanches with your rodeo winnings.
HANK: And you were worth every penny.
BOBBY: Hey, Dad, I've been going over the stuff you told Mr. Holloway. How could Mom get pregnant with me if you spent the '80s in a Mexican POW camp?
HANK: Look, Bobby, some of the things I told Mr. Holloway -- the details aren't important.
BOBBY: I gotta get my facts straight, Dad! There's a Q&A after my speech, and those Sunday School kids are tough!
LUANNE: Hi, Mrs. Holloway, want some cold frito pie?
HANK: Mr. Holloway is from Boston.
DALE: Yeah, I know the place. That's in Taxachusetts, ain't it? Say hello to Willie Horton for me, he's teaching at your kindergarten.
HANK: Please, ma'am, I'm trying to carry on a conversation! Yeah, yeah, I see your rear, very nice. Hey, there's some people over there that want to look too.
HOLLOWAY: Buy me a mint julep.
HANK: Heck, that's not a Texas drink. You can't even keep your stereotypes straight!
CHIFFON: Every night my boss makes me put on this humiliating outfit to seduce some drunk out of his money. Hey, we're a lot alike.
HANK: Why do we do it -- (looks at her nametag) -- Chiffon?
CHIFFON: We do it for the money, cowboy. I never made six figures a year at the potato hut.
HANK: Six figures?
CHIFFON: Oh yeah. Soon I'll have enough to stay at home with my granddaughter and her baby.
HANK: I should be at home helping my boy with his Sunday School report.
CHIFFON (sympathetically): Hey, how about a lap dance?
BOBBY: I don't get it. How could he have fought in the Spanish-American War the same year he invented the world's first pressure-cooking chicken fryer?
PEGGY: Oh, Bobby, your father never fought in any war.
BOBBY: Oh, I know. I've given up on Dad. The man I most admire now is Colonel Sanders.
HANK: I don't want your business, not this way. You want to go with Thatherton, go. But one of these days, when your propane mixture's only eighty-nine percent, and you have a smelly condo development full of crying babies whose bottles haven't been properly heated, you give me a call. My name is Hank Hill, and I sell propane and propane accessories with honor and dignity.
BOBBY: He doesn't have an oil well, he doesn't drive a Cadillac, and he doesn't wear cowboy boots because he's not a cowboy, and on account of they squish his toes. But the man I admire most is a real Texan. He is my daddy, Hank Hill. And I want to thank my dad, 'specially for accepting me and raising me as his own, even though I was fathered by another man while Mr. Hank Hill was in a Mexican POW camp.
Quotes from "King of the Ant Hill"
Written by Johnny Hardwick & Paul Lieberstein
Directed by Gary McCarver
HANK: Damn, I've poured my whole life into this lawn. My heart, my soul, the tender feelings I've held back from my family.
PEGGY: Bethany, it does not matter if your avocaydoes are hard. Life is hard. You cannot make authentic guaycamowl out of lima beans and Ritz crackers. (hangs up) Oh, these people! Gringos!
LUANNE: I'm just glad you're in charge of the block party this year, Aunt Peggy. Last year it was all Tex and no Mex.
PEGGY: Would you please tell Boomhauer that Swiss cheese is not Mehican, it is American.
DALE: Wingo, man!
DALE (on the Queen Ant): She can lay a million eggs in a twenty-four hour period.
BILL: Wow. That's more than a human woman does in a lifetime.
DALE: These fire ants are well-organized, highly trained insects. They'll swarm all over you and sting you all at once without warning on a single command. It's how they killed L. Ron Hubbard.
DALE: I see what's going on here -- you've got another exterminator. Is he licensed? Is he bonded? Is that it, Hank? Do you want someone who's licensed and bonded?
PEGGY: Why are men so attracted to hoes?
HANK: Without my lawn, I am Bill. Do you want to be married to Bill?
PEGGY (shudders): No.
KAHN: Hank Hill, someone steal my TV Guide out of mailbox. First I think it Bill. But then I think, can Bill read?
PEGGY: It's called Eco-Kill, Hank. The government would not let them use the term "eco" unless it was ecologically safe.
HANK: This is exactly what those environmentalists should be spending their time on: Finding ways to use nature against other forms of nature that are inconvenient to man.
BOBBY: Hey, look at that chubby white one. It reminds me of me before my growth spurt.
JOSEPH: That's the Queen, stupid. It looks just like the one on my dad's truck.
BOBBY: You mean Dale Gribble's truck?
JOSEPH: Yeah, my dad.
HANK: Okay, ants, put your heads between your six legs and kiss your butt goodbye!
DOOLEY: You've got ants.
BOOMHAUER: Ashes to ashes, man, dang ol' ashes to ashes.
DALE: I only used as much poison as necessary and not a 55-gallon drum more.
BILL: Poor Hank. Serves him right.
KAHN: Yeah, it does. You know, where I come from, we got a thing called kharma. You do something bad, it come back and bite you in the ass. Big white stubborn ass!
LUANNE: Aunt Peggy, Buckley wants to bring his .38 to shoot off at the block party, but Uncle Hank said nothing bigger than a .22.
BOBBY: Feed, my Queen, feed.
NANCY: Oh, sugar. We're out of sugar, sug.
PEGGY: How could you do it? How could you plant fire ants on our lawn?
DALE: Uh, I'm denying that. That's my position.
PEGGY: Dale, you wrote it on this map: "Three a.m., planted ants."
DALE: If all you're going on is my confession, forget it. I'm simply not credible.
HANK: You sacrificed your life to save my son. I guess that makes us even for you ruining my lawn.
DALE: While I was blacked out, was anything inserted into me?
HANK: You're alive!
DALE: Answer the question.
BILL: I've been saving this for someone special. But I guess she's never coming back.
BOOMHAUER: Yee-ha, ol' Hank, everybody's friend, richest man in the world, just like that old Jimmy...yo.
HANK: I especially want to thank Dale Gribble. Without his paranoid and, well, hateful nature, I never would have learned what kind of beating a friendship can survive. You're my best friend, Dale.
BILL: I thought I was your best friend, Hank.
HANK: Heh, heh, heh. Yeah, well... Heh.